


42

by j_cats



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: M/M, changjin - Freeform, changlix, so sad don't hate me please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-28 04:45:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18203705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_cats/pseuds/j_cats
Summary: We were like day and night, like the sun and the moon. One could not exist without the other. Finally we understood to whom the other part of our red thread belonged.But the thread was cut too soon.





	42

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you will enjoy this AU. This is my first so please be kind and if you have any suggestions for improvement, please tell me below! I also apologize if there are any typos or something but I'm not a native English speaker. Also this AU deals with delicate topics, if you don't feel like reading it don't do it.
> 
> Also I recommend you to listen this song while reading:  
> 3RACHA - 42  
> Troye Sivan - Dance To This  
> DAY6 - I Would

_04.44 A.M._ _I'm on the roof of my building, you'll wonder why, well the answer is simple. I'm about to disappear. It's night and the city is sleeping, or at least half of it is doing it. There's still someone awake like me, for work, for fun or because of insomnia. The reasons could be endless, I’m not here to list them. It's cold. Is winter.  I've always loved winter, despite the fact that I was born in the middle of summer I hate that season, it doesn't represent me.. too hot, too chaotic, too happy...? If I were a season I would certainly be winter. Cold, calm and mysterious. A beloved season but also a season hated by many. After all, not everyone has the same tastes. There is a bit of wind. It makes me shudder but it doesn't bother me, I like it. I often come up here to think, especially when I can't sleep, just like today. I happen to find myself alone and want to be alone. I need to recover from the previous hours. Sometimes I also need to recharge myself and to do it I need to be completely alone. There are so many stars, although the sky is illuminated by the lights of the city I can still see the constellations I learned as a child. Dad gave me a book, it was really interesting, he talked about the earth, the various planets and the possible alien lives on them, the constellations, the universe in general, it was really interesting ... I hope I didn't lose it. I always wondered what the purpose of life was. 42. This is the name they gave to the answer to the fundamental question about life, the universe and everything. But life has no meaning. Think about it. We are a mass of beings that is born, grows and dies. We are nothing compared to the vastness of the universe. Beings capable of reasoning but many times it seems that our head doesn’t do it. We are constantly oppressed by what surrounds us. We do something just because we have to do it not because we really want to. There is a final purpose to everything, always. Love doesn’t exist, love is only a feeling that has created man to believe that he has a distraction to the evil that is in each of us._

 

_Some time ago I met a boy, his name was Hyunjin, we met at the age of nineteen, and from the beginning he seemed like a good boy, a bit strange but still good._

 

**Seven years before**

 

"Oh god sorry!” Exclaimed a boy a little taller than Changbin. He shook his head, leaning over himself to collect the books, followed by the other.  
"I'm sorry, I was in a hurry and I didn't see you." The boy apologized again, giving the books back. "I'm Hyunjin. Nice to meet you. ”He introduced himself, bringing his hand to Changbin and squeezing it, smiling. "Changbin." He answered, shaking his hand. The first thing he noticed about the boy was the mole under his eye, a rather distinctive trait. "We've never met before or haven't we? Photography studio. And you.. Changbin?" He asked, playing with the rings between his fingers. “I study economy but it's not like I'm interested in this stuff. I do it more for my father, I love making music.” He smiled slightly, continuing to observe every little detail of the boy with whom he was entertaining the conversation. Piercings. Clothing. Hair. Everything was taken care of in great detail, perfectly, and Changbin loved perfection.

 

_We made friends very quickly, we were very compatible, we liked to talk about anything, whether these  were common passions or not. It seemed we had known each other for a lifetime, our favorite topic was the mystery of the universe. We often asked ourselves what the purpose of life was, sometimes we stayed up all night._

 

"Changbin! Try to get me! ”The younger exclaimed as he ran into the park pursued by his friend. It was a spring day, the cherry trees were the protagonists of the landscape. It was all pink, the sky was clear and the sun was shining, it was a perfect day to go out. Hyunjin stumbled, giving Changbin the chance to catch him and start tickling him. "No no no- Stop it!" The smallest screamed, writhing and laughing, he hated tickling. "Stop stop stop! Changbin please- Oh.. thank god.” He sighed, relaxing his body against the fresh grass. The older one lay down next to him, putting his arm around his friend’s shoulders. "I won. You have to offer me dinner.” He said with a chuckle. "We had not established any prize, but it's ok, I'll offer it to you because I'm a great friend and because you love me." The blonde replied, receiving a complacent verse in response. "Right?” He asked, turning to the other. "Perhaps only the first part." Changbin chuckled. "Perhaps? Where do you leave the second part?”Hyunjin joked, ruffling the oldest’s hair. "Shut up." Changbin said, giving him a kiss on the head, making the other blush slightly.

 

_It was one of those nights that Hyunjin decided to confess._

 

"Bin I have to talk to you." The little one said, laying his head on the older guy's shoulder and closing his eyes, enjoying the cool wind coming through the window. Changbin cleared his throat, letting him talk. "I like you." He said without words, he wanted to be direct with him, as he had always done since the first day they met. The older one stood straight with his back, causing the other to move, who looked at him. A look full of hope but also a look full of fear. He had jumped off a cliff without knowing if he could survive or not. "D-Do you really mean it?" Changbin stammered in disbelief. The younger nodded. "I'm sorry maybe I didn't have to-" He was interrupted by the older's lips, which settled on his, fitting perfectly. It was a quick but firm kiss. "Is that enough of an answer?" The older one chuckled and was then silenced by Hyunjin himself.

 

_I had never felt anything for a boy but with him was.. different. Sometimes I wondered if I really loved him or if I accepted his love only because I felt too lonely. But with time I realized that I not only liked it but that I really loved it. We were like day and night, like the sun and the moon. One could not exist without the other. Hyunjin was the air in my lungs. The sun in my sky, the star in my universe. The only reason why I existed. Finally we understood to whom the other part of our red thread belonged._

  
  
"Why do you like me?" Asked the little one looking at the dawn. They had spent the night on the beach and both hadn't close their eyes for a second. "I should make you a list and I'm too tired to do it." Changbin chuckled from inside the tent. "Come inside." He opened his arms to welcome his boyfriend. Hyunjin shook his head bringing his legs against his chest, watching the waves of the sea stretch out on the sand and then retreat and start again. _What a strange life._ He thought. Changbin came out of the tent and sat beside him, wrapping his shoulders around him with his arm. They both smiled exchanging a kiss and enjoying another day that was rising in front of their eyes. The morning heat began to feel in the air, warming the bodies of the two boys who spent the night in the cold. Changbin put his hand in Hyunin's hair, stroking his head. "What's going on?" He asked. "What if all this fades someday? I mean.. you and me. Our relationship." Hyunjin said, laying his head on the older guy's shoulder. "Hyunjin." The older one said, taking the boy's face in his hands. "Don't think about this okay? Let's think about the present, we don't know what the future has for us but we certainly know what the past has given us and what the present is giving us. Please don't think about it. Okay?" When he finished his speech, he kissed the other on the lips to calm him. "I love you." He whispered. A shiver ran down Hyunjin's back. It was so true. It was all so true. "Me too." He replied, placing his lips on those of his boyfriend. Everything was perfect.

  
  
_But the thread was cut too soon. Two years later Hyunjin introduced me to a friend of his, Felix. The boy was a childhood friend but for family reasons he had to return to his native Australia. We met during a summer evening and despite my various paranoia the boy stayed more than nice._

  
  
"Changbin he's Felix! Felix, he's my boyfriend, Changbin! ”Hyunjin exclaimed, smiling at both of them. The two shook hands and introduced themselves. "My pleasure." They said in unison.  
Hyunjin took the older by the hand trying to make him comfortable with his childhood friend. "How is life there in Australia, Felix?" Asked the older one, continuing to walk hand in hand with Hyunjin. "Hot." The little one chuckled. His face was covered with freckles, _cute_ , Changbin thought. Once they arrived at the pizzeria, the three sat at a table near the window to observe the city life outside the room. A waiter took their orders and once the pizzas arrived they began to eat. Changbin had taken a pizza with sausage and bacon, Hyunjin a simple margherita and Felix a pizza with pineapple. "Is that thing good?" The older one asked. "The contrast between salty and sweet is very good, you should try it. And don't call it that thing.” The smallest replied, chuckling. Hyunjin rolled his eyes and continued to eat his pizza without saying anything. In half an hour they were out of the restaurant and decided to take a walk along the Han river. "So.. Felix, why did you come back to Korea? Hyunjin told me you were in Australia.” Changbin asked. "They offered my mother a job! So I decided to follow her here in Korea while my father and my sisters stayed in Australia." He explained, smiling. "I hope you stay here for a long time!" Hyunjin exclaimed, wrapping an arm around the shoulders of his friend who smiled sweetly at him.

The evening passed quickly, the three found themselves very well together. Despite the initial embarrassment Changbin and Felix immediately managed to establish a good relationship, it is as if they had met in a previous life and met again in the present.

 

_Felix.. Felix was really all I wanted from a friend. He was nice, charismatic but above all thoughtful. He worried about me for every little thing. For example: one day I broke my leg playing soccer with some friends and he took care of me for a whole day, standing by me and treating me like a king, even if I didn't want his help initially. Hyunjin was often busy with the university and although he was worried I kept telling him that Felix would be with me. I remember that he didn't seem so happy to hear me say those words, but nevertheless he left me with him. Felix.. Felix loved me. But I didn't succeed in realizing it in time._

 

"I'm about to reach you!" Exclaimed the boy with his freckled face as he kept pedaling faster. "I'm sorry Mr. Lee but I'm a champion in cycling races!" Changbin replied screaming, standing a few yards from the boy. It was April and the two boys decided to take a walk in nature but it ended up being the fastest on the bike. Felix asked the older one if he would like to go out with him and the response from his friend was nothing but positive.  
  
"You know Bin... you're a good friend." Felix said from nothing. The two were sitting on a boulder looking at the view, from that point you could see a large part of the city. Evening was coming and the lights of the city were beginning to illuminate the surrounding environment, the chirping of birds slowly faded and the wind slowly calmed down. Changbin smiled without looking away from the view, he had never had a friend like Felix. Of course Hyunjin had been his friend but from the beginning it was a different relationship from the one he had with the younger one. "I'm really happy to have met you." Felix continued. "The only friend I ever trusted was Hyunjin but now.. you're here too. And I'm really really happy to have you in my life Changbin. "The boy paused to clear his throat. He was about to cry but he restrained himself, Felix really loved Changbin and could not say anything for the good of all of them really hurt him, but he couldn't do otherwise. "Would you like to dance?" Changbin asked, noting the behavior of the youngest, it was strange. "I know you're good, Hyunjin told me about it." He chuckled. Hyunjin Hyunjin and only Hyunjin. Felix thought, but he nodded, hunting his cell phone from his pocket for a suitable song. He got up putting his cell phone on the boulder on which he was sitting just before and began to move to the rhythm of the music. Shameless.

 _We can just dance to this  
_ _Don't take much to start me_

He smiled, holding out a hand to the older one who took it and began to follow his friend's movements, he was a little awkward but Felix found him adorable.  
  
_We can just dance to this_  
_Push up on my body, yeah_

The sky was a mixture of colors: red, orange, blue, pink, purple.. it looked like a painting. And Felix and Changbin were the protagonists of the scene.  
  
_You know we've already seen all of the parties_  
_We can just dance to this_  
  
Felix made Changbin do a pirouette with a casque that didn't end well and they both fell to the ground laughing. "I'm sorry I'm a disaster!" Felix exclaimed, getting up and helping his friend do the same. "Don't worry, I'm the one who can't dance." The older one chuckled, ruffling his hair. This gesture made him slightly blush, which Changbin found really pretty.

After dancing two more songs the two decided to get back in the saddle and go home, the return journey was silent but it was not an awkward silence, far from it. It was a silence where both were at ease, a silence where the presence of one for the other was better than a thousand words. A silence caused by the happiness of the two of having each other.

After an hour they arrived at Felix's house and the two had to say goodbye. "Thank you for spending this afternoon with me." The younger one thanked him, getting off the bike. "This is nothing. Call me when you have time! I'm glad to go out with you." Changbin smiled. "I thought Hyunjin didn't like you going out with me." Felix sighed. "So then?" Changbin asked ironically." It can annoy him but as I let him go out with his friends I can do it too, can't I? Being engaged to someone means trusting one another, I don't see what the problem is. We don't have to spend our lives next to each other." The words spontaneously came out of the older's mouth, without thinking twice. These words confused Felix for a moment but at the same time he was happy to hear that, because Changbin cared for him. "So.. see you soon!" He said. "Yeah.. see ya." The older one replied, patting him on the shoulder. That was the last time Changbin and Felix talked.

 

_One day he talked to Hyunjin, he decided to tell him everything, although he knew what could have happened he decided to go to confession with him, his lifelong friend. And from that day Felix and I never spoke again. It was my fault, why? Well simple. I was the cause of the quarrel between the two._

 

"Hyunjin, I need to talk to you." The voice on the other side of the phone said. "Now." He seemed on the verge of tears.  
"Felix what happens?" The older one asked. "I'm with Changbin now. Is it urgent? ”He continued worried.  
"O-Oh." The voice froze for a moment and then continued. "It doesn't matter." He sighed. "See ya." He closed the call without waiting for a reply from his friend.  
"Fe-Felix?" Hyunjin frowned as he threw the phone face down on the bed and sighed. "What takes him now .." He got up and went into the kitchen to drink a glass of water. "What's going on?" Changbin asked, putting a hand on his boyfriend's shoulder. "Felix called me and.. he didn't seem very good. I have to go to him." He said turning to go to the room but was blocked by the boy. "Do you want me to go with you?" He asked softly. Hyunjin stared blankly for a moment, he turned around and give him a peck on the lips. "Don't worry, I think it's better if you stay here." He smiled slightly, went to get his things and then left the apartment. _What was happening to Felix?_ He had noticed a strange behavior for some time but he had pretended nothing until a few days before until the boy showed various signs of imbalance. Hyunjin began to notice that his friend was no longer sleeping like before, he had tried to ask him why but he kept repeating that the bed was uncomfortable or things of various kinds. _Will something happen between him and his mother? Maybe he misses his real home. Between him and his girlfriend? No. Felix doesn't have a girlfriend and he is gay._  The boy continued to walk with his hands in his pockets, constantly looking at the ground, looking up from time to time to avoid being run over.

After half an hour he arrived at his friend's house. On the way he tried to call him several times but no answer. He knocked. No reply. "Felix? Felix please if you hear me open." No answer. "Please, I'm starting to worry." The little one was slumped against the front door crying. He would have liked to talk to him but he didn't feel like it, he didn't know how to deal with it. It was there that Hyunjin heard a strange noise similar to sniffling, it was clearly coming from his friend. "I know you're in front of the door please open me or I'll have to throw it down." He said crossing his arms. He sat in front of the door, his back against it, waiting. "I will wait all night if necessary." After about five minutes Felix plucked up his courage and slowly opened the door, furtively looking out but his gaze moved quickly to his feet. "Ouch!" Hyunjin exclaimed now lying on the ground and rubbing his head. "Sorry I didn't know you were resting at the door." He apologized holding out a hand to his friend who accepted his help and managed to get up.

"It's about Changbin." Felix said, playing with his hands sitting on the couch. The older one raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me, I'm not the one who controls this. It is as if my eyes were closed and my third eye controlled everything." He stopped. "Felix could you just talk clearly?" The blond chuckled, crossing his legs and sipping his own coke. "I have.. I have a crush on Changbin." At those words Hyunjin almost choked on his drink but made him continue. "Yeah.." He said, lowering his eyes. "I tried to control my feelings right away but every time I see him it's always worse, my heart beats fast, my hands sweat and my ears turn red. I become embarrassed and almost forget how to breathe. I didn't want to fall in love with your boyfriend but unfortunately it happened. We are friends.. he is.. nice to me. But I know we could never be anything and I don't want anything to happen between us. I don't want to ruin your relationship and above all I don't want to ruin our friendship." He paused for a moment to catch his breath. "I love you Hyunjin." He said looking up to meet his friend's tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry." He continued. "I don't want to hear anything else." Hyunjin said, standing up. "I'm sorry too." He headed for the door but one hand took his wrist. "Please forgive me. Please, Hyunjin forgive me." Now his eyes were full of tears, maybe he should have kept quiet and kept everything inside. The older one slowly moved his hand. "I need to think." He smiled slightly and then left the house, leaving Felix in tears. He tried to be as calm as possible, he didn't want to hurt his friend in any way but the truth is that he would have liked to throw a punch on his teeth. But Felix was right, feelings are not commanded. It is something that just happens. Felix had always been there when Hyunjin was sick and he should have been the same for him, but he didn't know how to behave in this case, he didn't know at all.

 

_One day Hyunjin came to me in tears, blaming his best friend for their shattered friendship, but the truth is that it was he who ruined everything because of his jealousy and I believed him. I believed him because I was madly in love. He was comparable to the mermaids' voice, so beautiful but so lethal. And I was the victim, he deceived me. Weeks passed, the two didn't speak for as long. Hyunjin and I kept going out together while Felix continued to spend his time alone, he didn't know anyone having just returned to Korea. I can't imagine how he felt.. alone. It was so for other days, for other weeks, for months. But Hyunjin forgot to tell me about an important event. The two met one last time._

 

"Go away!" The younger screamed. He fell to the ground hiding his head in the palms of his hands. They were full of blood. "I don't want to talk to you, go away." He was breathing heavily, his arm bleeding. "Please let me help you." Hyunjin repeated, trying to get close to the boy without being thrown at something. "Are you stupid by any chance? I told you to leave me alone. Go away." He screamed the last sentence with desperation. "Felix, please." The older one whispered, dabbing his arm with a clean cloth. "Why don't you just let me die Hyunjin, why are you doing this to me?" He said, looking up, his eyes were red and full of tears. The older one could feel the pain he was feeling at that moment. It wasn't physical pain. It was much more. "Because I love you. You know." He whispered as he medicated his friend. "Everything would be better if you weren't there anymore." Felix said coldly, his gaze fixed on a point, his head was spinning. "I wouldn't have known Changbin and I wouldn't have known you. I would have loved someone else but unfortunately fate didn't want this. Why Hyunjin? Why? Why do I have to be the only one to suffer and why do you _always_ have to be the only one to be happy? ”Tears began to fall again. "I'm not happy Felix. Do you think I'm happy in this situation? Is this what you think? Think what you want but it's not like that. You're not in my head and above all you're not in my heart, you can't know what I think and how I feel." Hyunjin took his things and left his room slamming the door. "Goodbye Hyunjin." Felix chuckled desperately, closing his eyes.

 

Felix checked his phone every day hoping for a message, a call or something. He was tired of waiting, one day he decided to turn off everything.

Like every day he was alone at home, his mother was always out for work and he often didn't see her for days inside. He headed for the bathroom but every step seemed heavier and heavier, he began to rummage in the bathroom furniture hoping to find something that could calm him. After various research he found something, anxiety pills. His mother kept them from him because he was afraid he could do something, he wasn't wrong. He took a pill and brought it down with water. But it wasn't enough. He took another and another one. His vision slowly began to be less clear, his legs struggled with his weight. He tried to walk towards the bedroom to reach his bed and lie down, he wanted to rest. But during the bathroom-bedroom journey his legs gave way. He couldn't move, he wanted to scream, he wanted to ask for help but he decided to huddle in himself. A strange pain reached his stomach, a twinge, another one. He closed his eyes. Had he really ruined everything? Hyunjin.. Changbin. His friends, he would never see them again. 

_Felix attempted suicide, he was found two hours later on the floor of his apartment by his mother. It was 11 a.m. and by now there were not many hopes, the doctors arrived as soon as the woman called them but nothing went well. I found out about what happened only a week later, introduced myself to his hospital room and sat next to him. I remember this moment as if it had happened a few hours ago. I would love to forget. One day the truth came to the surface. I decided to leave Hyunjin, I tried to track down Felix but unfortunately I didn't make it, it was too late._

 

"Why you did it.." Changbin sobbed, holding the cold hand of the smallest in his. "Please Lix.. wake up, please do it for me." He collapsed on the hospital floor, he had no strength. He had lost his best friend. The relationship between the two was strange but so strong, they both knew each other and yet at that moment it seemed to Changbin that he didn't know a thing. He didn't know about Felix's family problems, his depression, the fact that he attempted suicide at other times and that he ended up in the hospital for months and months. He knew nothing. The boy decided to hide the negative side of his life to show only the radiant and radiant side, because he didn't want to create problems for anyone, especially to the boy he loved.

 

_I can't stand all this pain anymore, I've been trying to live with it for years now, but nothing makes sense anymore. If I could go back I would like to save him, I wish everything had been different. I don't believe in the afterlife but I would love to see Felix one last time, to tell him I'm sorry. That I would do everything to make him feel good, that I should not trust the devil and.. that I loved him too._

 

"Mr. Hwang his visit is over." A woman in her fifties said, addressing the patient. "Give us a moment, please." A guy replied, his name was Bang Chan. "I must finish reading this letter." He smiled slightly, turning to his friend and putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'll give you ten minutes, no more. The time of receipt is long over. "So the woman left them alone and the older one could continue reading.

 

_You are wondering what happened to Hyunjin. He's in a psychiatric hospital. The voices in his head never stop talking. I went to see him a month ago, he doesn't remember me. He doesn't seem to improve, he continues to repeat a word. I'm sorry. His eyes are surrounded by a purplish color with blue shades, the doctors have told me that lately he can't sleep. Knowing that he is still here, but he is no longer himself.. it doesn't have sense. I miss his laughter, I miss his clear and happy eyes, in which you could reflect, the sincerity with which he looked at you, the calm in his way of speaking, his smile. I left him but I miss him. I miss old Hyunjin. The sincere, carefree, happy one. I would love it back, but I know it's impossible._

 

At those words the littlest one missed his breath, he got up from his chair and retreated towards the wall, looking for a way out. A way out he would never have found. Chan stood up, trying to calm the boy down but got nothing but a scream from the younger. The caretakers arrived and decided it would be better if the older one had left as soon as possible. The boy protested saying that it would have been better if he remained, he sought an approval from the smallest but all he received were tears that began to descend along his tired face. Hyunjin was tired. Tired of everything, tired of being called a madman, tired of not being able to talk like he used to. It was as if he could reason perfectly but his brain didn't want to collaborate, he didn't want to make him express what he really felt. The older one was forcefully hunted by two to watch you while a girl tried to calm the little one. After about half an hour his tears stopped falling and he was taken back to his room, he was given the letter that Chan could not finish reading and was finally left alone. He sat on his bed and continued to read those sentences, lingering again on the piece that made him cry earlier but he noticed that the letter was not finished.

 

_I would like to thank them both for being the best and worst part of me. I wanted to be a better person, to face all this in a better way. I'm sorry. I hope they are both happy wherever they are. I can no longer live with this weight on my chest, I lost everyone but above all I lost them, the only people that my heart has ever managed to love in all these years. You are and always will be the first people I ever loved. Goodbye Hyunjin. Goodbye Felix._

 

After hours of searching Changbin's body was found on the rooftop of his palace the morning after he had written the letter. Along with this he held a necklace in his hand with a pendant of a star. It was a gift his two best friends made him on his birthday.

 

Two days later the news reached Hyunjin, when Chan decided to visit him one last time to give him the letter that Changbin wanted to read to him personally. Despite Changbin said that he didn't remember his person, he did it all right. The memories in the boy's mind were more alive than ever, but his brain prevented him from expressing his feelings in normal words like all human beings did.

Two days later even Hyunjin decided to disappear forever. He had lied in the past and all this gave him the head over time, after the news he didn't make it anymore and decided to let himself go once and for all.

Changbin, Hyunjin and Felix could have met one last time.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming up to this point, sorry to have broken your heart.. please forgive me.  
> I hope you enjoyed it, let me know what you think! :)


End file.
